How to Find a Dominatrix

When it comes to finding a professional Dominatrix, what good is a red flag if you don't know how to identify it?

Deciding to visit a professional Dominatrix means you need to know how to find one first. Horror stories abound online of submissives getting their deposits stolen, falling for catfish accounts, and booking Mistresses who misrepresented themselves. These situations are often rife with red flags from the start, but what good is a red flag if you don't know how to identify it?

Whether you're a nervous newbie worried about being taken advantage of or an experienced player looking to try someone new, below I've detailed what to watch out for when booking a Mistress.

Note that while some of these points are applicable to finding a Dominatrix for virtual play, you'll likely find this guide most helpful if you're looking for real-time play at a dungeon.

Ads, Screening, and Rates

Look For:

  • Paid advertising. A small number of reputable sites allow for free ads, like Dickie Virgin and Tryst. However, most others, like Eros, require payment. Paid advertising signals a Mistress is confident she'll recover her investment, and while plenty of us use free ad boards, we often use them in conjunction with paid ads elsewhere. Cross-check where a Mistress posts her ads. If she's only posting on free ad boards, it could be a sign of inexperience.
  • An online presence besides the ad, like a website and social media.

Watch Out For:

  • Active ads in multiple cities with no mention of touring. Many of us travel across the country to take sessions, but we always explicitly mention when we'll be somewhere. Ads bring session inquries, and there's no sense in fielding requests from submissives in cities we don't even visit.
  • Suspiciously low rates. What a Mistress decides to charge for her work is her own business, but if the average rate in your city starts at $400 per hour, something's probably off if a Mistress who claims 20 years of experience and a private, 2,500 sq. ft. dungeon is only charging $200.

Remember:

  • Paid ads don't guarantee legitimacy. Scammers pay for ads, too, so don't let a false sense of security cause you to overlook red flags.
  • Not all Mistresses post their rates.
  • Screening is normal. Providing us with your personal information prior to booking isn't cause for alarm.
  • Deposits are normal. Many of us won't allow you to book unless you submit a deposit to prove your sincerity. Deposit method and size varies per Mistress, so it's not always a red flag for her to require a large deposit-- for years, I required a nonrefundable 50% upfront.

Website

We don't have time for an endless back-and-forth of emails, so our websites are carefully curated to provide you with as much information as possible.

Look For:

  • A private domain. Considering domains can be purchased for as little as $1 per month, there's no reason for an established Mistress to point you to a website with a clunky domain like purplemango86.freesite.net/MistressSusie420x69/home.
  • Lots of information. At the bare minimum, our sites cover our interests and booking protocol. Most sites also link to other places to find us, like our social media.
  • A clean, logical site design. In addition to providing as much information upfront as possible, we do our best to make sure it's easy to find.

Watch Out For:

  • Generic stock photos. There's no need for an established Dominatrix to decorate her site with stock photos of Louboutins, fuzzy handcuffs, or men in suits.
  • Inconsistent spelling. Typos happen, but it's not the best sign if a Mistress can't even spell her own name consistently.
  • Inconsistent writing style. Spelling and grammatical inconsistencies from one section of her site to the next may indicate she stole some of her copy from another Mistress.
  • Incorrect links. Any exterior links on her website should point to her own clip sites, phone domination lines, etc. and not those of another Mistress.

Remember:

  • Web design takes time and money. Not everyone can afford a professional web designer, and not everyone has time to learn how to navigate point-and-click design platforms like Wix and Squarespace. Just because a site is clunky or isn't optimized for mobile doesn't mean the Mistress isn't legitimate.
  • Some Mistresses purposefully keep their sites vague. Usually, this is an attempt to avoid implicating themselves should they ever be outed in their vanilla lives or have a run-in with the law.
  • Domain history can only tell you so much. Domain history databases like WHOIS aren't a surefire way of gauging a Domina's legitimacy or experience level. If a Mistress no longer lives in Salt Lake City, it doesn't make sense for her to keep SLCDominatrix.com as her domain, even if she's had it for 10 years.

Social Media

Look For:

  • Active, well-established acocunts.
  • A sense of community. We use social media to interact with colleagues, submissives, and fans. While online interactions can't tell the whole truth about a Domina's experience level, they can at least tell you if she's known among her peers.
  • Tagged photos. Check her Instagram's Tagged Photos tab. If she's been around for awhile, chances are she'll appear there in photos she hasn't posted herself.

Watch Out For:

  • Who they follow. If a Mistress has a relatively new social media presence and mostly follows submissives, something doesn't add up. While many of us enjoy following submissives we know, we typically don't care to clutter our feeds with posts from Cuck Slave Joe in Milwaukee who only posts dick pics and has no idea we even exist.
  • Limited image variety. We want to show off our vast wardrobe and gear collections! Something's off if a Mistress only posts the same four photos, over and over again.
  • Inconsistent photos. Sure, our appearances change over the years, but I've lost track of the number of catfish accounts I've seen that attempt to pass off two obviously different Mistresses as one and the same.
  • Inconsistent watermarks. See above. If Mistress Alexa only posts photos watermarked as Mistress Violet, then Mistress Alexa probably doesn't exist. There's no reason for a reputable Domina to present herself with inconsistent branding, even if she recently changed her name.
  • Image-dumping. If you notice 28 of a Domina's 34 photos were posted on the same day, do some extra digging. It's not uncommon for catfish accounts to image-dump to make their accounts seem older and more established than they really are.

Remember:

  • Our accounts often get deleted. This can lead to established Mistresses having newer profiles than they otherwise would.
  • Not everyone has an active presence on every platform. The risk of getting our accounts shut down can influence how we use different social media platforms. I'm barely active on Instagram anymore due to frequent deletions, and many Mistresses have given up on Instagram completely for the same reason. Some Mistresses are rarely on social media simply because they don't enjoy it.
  • Follower counts don't reflect skill or experience. Red flags are red flags, no matter how many followers a Mistress has.

Photos

Look For:

  • Quality. If our images weren't shot by professional photographers, we do our best to make them look like they were. Cropped, blurry, and pixelated photos are a red flag.
  • Variety. An established Mistress will have high-quality photos showing off a number of outfits and pieces of gear. Some of us even have photos with submissives or other Dommes.
  • Selfies. Plenty of us post selfies on social media, which provide an intimate look as to what we're doing in the moment and establish how we look compared to our professional, more-heavily edited shots.
  • Location. If we have dungeon access, we'll likely have photos to prove it.

Watch Out For:

  • Messy backgrounds. No matter where she plays, be it a dungeon or hotel room, her photos should reflect a clean, well-maintained environment.
  • Excessive filters. I enjoy sharing selfies with a cute lil' Snapchat filter here and there, but it's rare for a Mistress to make Snapchat filters part of her actual branding.
  • Blurry, cropped photos. If her images are pixelated or seem excessively cropped, she may have stolen them from another Mistress.

Remember:

  • Privacy concerns impact how a Dominatrix shares photos. She may obscure her face, blur visible tattoos, or avoid posting photos of herself at the dungeon or at play parties. This doesn't mean she's a fraud. Many of us have privacy concerns, just like you do.
  • She may utilize paywalls. Some of us keep the exciting stuff, like dungeon selfies or photos with submissives, behind a paywall like OnlyFans.

Virtual Play Options

Look For:

  • Active, well-established accounts.
  • Options. Often, those of us who offer virtual play offer multiple services on multiple platforms.
  • Content that matches her interests. If you're curious about a Mistress who offers impact play, she likely has related content on her clip stores. Buy some to get an idea of her skill.

Watch Out For:

  • Sloppy play in clips. If she has clips showing her in action with submissives, buy a few. Does she look reasonably skilled in whatever activities she's engaging in, or does it look like she just picked up her first riding crop?
  • Lack of real-time knowledge. No matter how you're interacting with her, your online play with a Mistress should give you the impression she knows her way around a dungeon.

Remember:

  • Not every Dominatrix films clips. Many reputable Mistresses don't film clips because content creation requires so much effort.
  • Not every Dominatrix offers virtual play.
  • Newer accounts are common. The pandemic pushed many of us online for the first time. It's not unreasonable for a Mistress with years of dungeon experience to have a NiteFlirt account established in 2020.

Her Behaviors

Look For:

  • Professionalism and respect. How does she treat you during the booking process?
  • Efficiency. Most Mistresses try to solidify a booking in as few emails as possible, simply because we don't have time to do otherwise.

Watch Out For:

  • Sketchy behavior. We won't agree to make you our collared slave before we've even met, much like we won't agree to castrate you or kick your balls until they rupture.
  • Lack of connection to her interests. We're passionate about BDSM. If she can't discuss what she enjoys about certain activities, it's reasonable to believe she lacks experience or is in the industry only because she assumes it's easy money.

Remember:

  • We have bad days, too. I'm certainly guilty of getting snappy over email because I'd misunderstood the potential submissive's intentions.
  • Paywalls protect us from timewasters. While many of us are happy to answer a question here and there prior to booking, many of us put up paywalls before speaking to submissives in greater detail about a potential session.

If you made it this far and still have questions, know that you can save yourself a lot of headaches by remembering the following:

  • A reputable Mistress will never contact you first. For more on this topic, read my blog, 4 Tips for Avoiding Scammers.
  • Think with your head, not your genitals. I've lost track of the number of submissives I've spoken with who admitted to overlooking blatant red flags simply because they were horny.
  • If it sounds too good to be true, it probably is.

Now, go out and get kinky!

Related: 4 Tips for Avoiding Scammers and 5 Facts About My Play Style