5 Communication Tips for Online Play

If you're interested in communicating effectively during virtual play, take note of the following five tips.

At the dungeon, your Mistress relies heavily upon transparent communication to monitor how you're doing during play. As verbal communication can only tell us so much, we also monitor your body language, paying attention to things like your facial expressions, how deeply or rapidly you're breathing, and if your skin is warm to the touch.

Virtual play gives your Mistress very little of this to work with, making effective communication on your end all the more important. So much nuance can be lost when you're not in the same room with someone: think how easy it is to misread the tone of a text or email, even from someone you know well.

If you're interested in communicating effectively during virtual play, take note of the following:

1. Be blunt.

It's not uncommon to feel awkward talking freely and openly about your interests, especially if you're new to kink or struggle with shame for being kinky in the first place. The thing is, effectively communicating sometimes requires you to step out of your comfort zone.

A skilled Mistress knows what questions to ask to determine the scope of your interests, but the better you're able to communicate with her from the start, the faster you'll both be able to determine if you're a good match as virtual play partners.

If you're nervous about making a good impression with your Mistress, you may be concerned about coming across as rude. Be open about your anxieties from the beginning and explain your intentions. Chances are, she'll be understanding, and if you do happen to come across as rude, she'll be happy to provide tips for tweaking your approach.

2. Know what you're looking for.

Not everyone engages in virtual play for the same reasons. Maybe you're interested in building a deeper relationship with a Mistress over time, or maybe you have a rare window of availability and want to get your rocks off as quickly as possible. Maybe you're looking to finally explore your submissive side, or maybe you're not interested in submitting at all and instead want to engage your Mistress in your very specific fantasy. Maybe none of this appeals to you, and you just want to talk to someone about a struggle in your personal life.

With so many motivations behind online play, knowing what you're looking for and how to communicate it to your Mistress helps the both of you determine compatibility. A Mistress who prefers concocting elaborate fantasies over the phone may not be interested in virtual play involving prolonged domination, like behavioral modification or long-term keyholding.

3. Be up front with your limitations.

Do you have time constraints or budgetary restrictions? The more your Mistress knows about your limitations, the more accurately she's able to gauge your compatibility. If she believes you're compatible and she can provide what you're looking for, the better she's able to tailor your experience within those limitations.

When you reach out to a Mistress via text, for example, she may be in the middle of something, like preparing for an in-person session at her dungeon. Plenty of folks text us without expecting an immediate response, so while she may be able to reply here and there, if you're looking for a hot and heavy text session over the remaining 20 minutes of your lunch break, she probably can't provide what you're looking for. By being upfront about your limited availability window, you give your Mistress the opportunity to be upfront with you as well.

4. Be specific.

Without specificity, your Mistress is often left playing guessing games. The more specific you are with the language you use, the fewer follow-up questions your Mistress has to ask.

When discussing your interests, remember that in kink, the same terms can mean different things to different people. Take humiliation, for example: some masculine submissives find it incredibly humiliating to wear panties under their regular clothes for a day, while others think there's nothing humiliating about exploring femininity. When you tell a Mistress you enjoy humiliation, do her a favor and detail what you find humiliating and why.

Not everyone has a kinky toy chest full of riding crops and inflatable butt plugs, so specificity is especially helpful when discussing what everyday items you have at your disposal for play. It doesn't mean much when you tell us you have “normal household supplies” because if you don't cook, you may not have a wooden spoon, much like if you do your laundry at the laundromat, you may not have clothes pins or if you have sensory sensitivities, you may not own socks. There's no need to rattle off a list of every item in your home, but even a bit of specificity can go a long way to prevent the frustrating back-and-forth of guessing games.

5. Advocate for yourself.

Maybe you need more aftercare than anticipated, maybe your nipple clamps became too painful, maybe you're running out of alone time, or maybe something about play just doesn't feel right. Don't be intimidated to advocate for yourself: if you need something, speak up.

If you're eager to impress your Mistress, you may feel hesitant to say something in case she thinks you're whining or topping from the bottom. There's a difference between topping from the bottom and politely expressing your immediate needs, and much like a Mistress expects you to communicate with her at the dungeon, she also expects you to communicate with her during virtual play.

As Mistresses, we're intuitive, but we're not mind readers, and at the end of the day, we're human, too: maybe your Mistress got carried away in the moment and forgot she never told you to remove your nipple clamps, maybe she misunderstood a comment you made about your interests, or maybe she lost track of time and forgot your partner comes home in ten minutes.

Pausing the scene to vocalize your needs is a great way to gauge compatibility. Pay attention to how your Mistress responds when you advocate for yourself: if she responds poorly, she may not be a good match for future play.

Related: Comparing Online Play Formats